Never again.

I let my guard down when you told me i could trust you. I told you things i’ll never get to take back or unsay. I told you more than i have anyone I’ve ever met. I let every wall down, slide open every window, and took off every door with you. We weren’t together very long but i know i loved you.

What i felt when i was with you was more real than anything I’ve ever felt. I’m hurt and i’m sad that this is all over. But i swear i’m not mad.

I need you so much right now, but i won’t tell you. I need you to hold me and kiss me and tell me we’re going to be fine. But you and i aren’t a “we” anymore.

But never again will someone know me like you did. Never will i let my guard down like that. Never will i let someone have that much power over me. Never will i be that vulnerable around someone.  Never again.

I’m sorry Granny Dot

I haven’t seen or spoken to you in months Granny Dot. I feel absolutely horrible about it and i know you don’t understand my reasons. I can barely write them down and or even speak the words because i just don’t know how to explain it.

I was never your actual great grandchild. You never had to treat me with love. You never had to care or worry about me. You never had to tell me i was a beautiful girl when i didn’t think that myself. But you did all of that. I only knew you for two short years but i felt like i had known you my whole life.

Tonight i was notified that you had passed on. I’m sorry i never said goodbye. I’m sorry you never understood the story from my perspective. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I know you’re doing great in the spiritual world.

You were a goofy lady and i’ll always remember the times you made me laugh so hard i couldn’t breathe. I know these past few years were hard for you. I’m just glad you’re not suffering anymore. I knew you weren’t very well when i left but i had no idea it was this bad.

I love you Granny Dot.

Dear Michelle and Charlie,

I haven’t see you since October of 2011. I see you all tomorrow. I have no idea what to do or what to say. I love that I get to see you, but I hate what happened that is causing this.
I’ve dreamt of seeing you all again so many times before. It almost feels like this is another one of my dreams. I love had so much anxiety over this very event, it is unreal. I almost had a panic attack today. I don’t know what to think. I have so many emotions that I’m almost emotionally numb.
I’m sorry about all I’ve done, I hope you got my letters. I hope I don’t screw up tomorrow. I hope you still love me.
I love you all,

For every person that thinks their family isn’t for them,

I’ll be the first to tell you that i thought i didn’t need my family. i hated them. i thought they were the worst people to walk the earth. I don’t know who your family is. or what they’ve done. But i know now that i needed mine before and still do more than anything in this world.

I was adopted at three and six months. I was put into foster care three years prior to that. While in foster care i had the best parents and family. I loved them, and i still do to this day. They have continued to be a part of my life and i am forever grateful that i have them.

As a former foster child, even though i don’t remember any of it, I know what abandonment feels like. Even though i have never met my biological parents, i know the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. I struggle with it everyday even though i have a family who loves me very much.

But i always thought i had a better family out there than my adopted family. I thought someone would love me more, care for me more. So i went looking. I didn’t put out an ad in craigslist or anything. But i have lived with a couple of my friends families.

Recently i have come back from living with one of my ex-friend’s family. I lived there for two years. I thought it was the place for me, i thought it was where i belonged. I was wrong, very wrong.

Things started to go wrong and i was constantly doing wrong, in their eyes. But all along, i was the one who was right.

It finally got so bad that they told me i had to leave. It was between foster care, a group home, or back with my adopted parents. I’m back and i couldn’t be happier. I know now this is where i am supposed to be.

I’ve done them wrong so many times and i am forever sorry that. But we have all agreed to forget the past and to move on from it.

I love my family so much, and i will never intentionally try to hurt them again. I don’t know where i would be right now if they hadn’t agreed to let me come back. I’d probably be in a group home suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. Or i would have already committed suicide.

If you’re reading this, and you think your family hates you and that you need a new one. Please take a step back. Please look at everything from a different perspective. If you are going through depression or other clinical diseases, please please please look at things differently. It saved my life, not in a metaphorical way, but literally. I would have been dead three or four years ago if it wasn’t for my family. If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you’re hurting yourself and your family has put you in treatment care centers or has told you to stop and has taken things away from you so you would stop, don’t think they hate you. They care so much about you. No mother or father wants anything bad to happen to any of their children. No brother or sister or cousin or aunt or uncle or grandmother or grandfather wants anything bad to happen to their family. They love you. They might just not know how to express it.

If you feel completely alone. If you feel like no one cares. If you feel like no one wants you or loves you. You’re wrong. I may not know you but i love you, with everything in me. If you need my help, contact me. Email me at Dazsha.megan@gmail.com

Please do not hesitate. I will listen. I will care. I will want you. I will love you. Always.

Dear Brandy, Roy, and Taylor.

I know this has to hurt you, but you’re not the only one hurting. I spent two years at your house, growing and trying to discover who i was and where i was supposed to be. I thought it was there. But i was wrong. I belonged back with my family and i’m glad i came back. I’m glad we had to grow apart and see things differently for me to be able where i am now. I was suffering, my soul and spirit was dying. i love you guys so much and i can’t just throw away the memories i had with you all. But they weren’t all good. I remember nights i cried myself to sleep because of how i couldn’t be the real me around you. I could have actually, but you would have told me i was wrong and that i was weird and that i had to change because that wasn’t how i was supposed to be. I will forver cherish the good times we had.

But it is time to say goodbye. It will hurt me more than anything to send you the letter. And i know it will hurt you. But you have brought me down so much in the last year that it is unforgivable. You don’t cause a person to go into depression(again) when you love them. You say you love me but yet you constantly make me feel like shit and i can’t handle that anymore. You can’t be in my life anymore. I know you don’t approve of the way i am. You have said it yourself about other people. You can say that you’ll love me no matter what and that you always want me to be myself, but i know you better than that. I was with you for almost every minute of everyday for two years, you can’t fool me anymore.

I am struggling with what to do with myself and my life because you always told me who to be, what to wear, what to like, and how to live for two years. I didn’t get a say. You might say i did, but i didn’t. You made me get rid of my best friends because of something they did, a simple thing. But yet you’re friends with people like them, worse. And you say you’re “helping” them. But if it wasn’t about helping them you would still have them around. You broke an amazing friendship i will never get back, and i despise you for that.

After you said i could choose what i wanted you made me do the opposite. That broke me.

“If you love someone, set them free. And if it’s meant to be, they’ll come back.”

I’m not coming back. This is goodbye forever. I love you all, and nanny and pappy and Granny Dot. You may never read this, but if you do you’ll know. Have a great life.

-Dazsha

To my mom

Mom,
I’m sorry. I am sorry I am like this. I know you worry about me and about everyone else and I am sorry. I don’t like being this way. I know I can get out of hand and I can be manic. I know I get really depressed and I say I want to die. But I don’t want you to worry about me. I think a lot of bad things about myself and I say a lot of bad things about myself. But i’ll be okay. I love you with all my heart and I feel like I have a deeper connection with you than I do with anyone. I know I’ve spent years trying to get away from you and I’ve said some nasty things about you, but I was wrong. You are an amazing person, a great mom, and my best friend. I love you mom.

Along the way(Cont.)

Dear Being,

Hi. I know I haven’t written in a few days but I’ve had nothing to write about. I’ve been numb for the last few days. Until last night. Last night it hit me like a sack of potatoes. I really want to die. Like so bad I can’t stand it. I want to be away from everything, I don’t want to deal with all of this. Then do it. No one will miss you. God, why won’t this just stop! That’s it! It’s God. God put me in this mess. He made me like this. He has to hate me for some reason. This is all his fault. Why God!?! Why me? Why is it always me?

I don’t want to talk about god right now though. I have this memory stuck in my head from a couple of months.

You see, I used to live with my “best friend” and her parents. They told me they were “my parents” too. But they were making me choose between them and some of my friends. We had went to the eye doctor and then we were eating at Pizza Inn. And they were practically yelling at me but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because of I did then I knew I would break down in tears right in the middle of that restaurant. And I didn’t want to publicly humiliated like that.

It’s kind of pathetic, but everytime someone yells or fusses at me I cry. I don’t know why I do it, I just do.

But anyway. They were telling me I would make a big mistake if I did and that I need to think of the pros and cons. But how do you choose between people you both love. I had known my friend longer, her name is Kaliegh. But they had provided for me for almost two years. I owed them my life but I didn’t truly love them. I just thought I did because I thought they saved me, but they didn’t. They made me worse. I couldn’t be myself and let it all out and come to them about stuff because I knew they would say I was being stupid or what I was doing was wrong or to go pray about it. I don’t want to pray about it! I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. He isn’t here for me through this so why should I believe in him. Why should I worship him when he made me like this.

But I didn’t want to choose. I wanted them both. I choose the right thing, though.

We were driving down the road going to meet a woman to buy a coy fish off of her. And they started yelling at me saying that I had long enough to think. And they said, “Family or friends. Us or Kaliegh.”

“Kaliegh”

I won’t give you the dtails about how they cussed me and told me I was stupid.

But they did say that I wasn’t going to be leaving and that I had to stay with them. They told me that I was not going to talk to Kaliegh and I would obey them.

I didn’t want to. I resent them for how they made me feel. They made me feel like I was nothing and that I was weird, stupid, lazy, unloved. After that they didn’t tell me they loved me until I was gone. Yeah, I got to leave.

That fight happened in April or May, I can’t remember I blocked it all out. I left in June.

I came back to my parents house.

I have a very weird situation.

I was in foster care from the time I was six months to the time I was three years old. I was Adopted by my parents. I spent a lot of years trying to get to live with my former foster parents. They I started staying with my friends for months. Then I ended up with the last friend I had.

I hate how all of this played out, I really do. And I am sorry to those people that I hurt in the process of my trying to get better. I’m still working on it and I know I will hurt more people, but trust me that’s not what I want to do. I will tell those people that someday and I hope they forgive me.

Along The Way (Cont.)

July 16, 2015

Dear Being,

Oh my god, today has been so stressful. I just feel so overwhelmed its not funny anymore. First, I was just a little stressed out, now it’s so bad I can’t even function right. I can’t sleep, I barley eat anymore or I eat all the time, I get so mad about everything. I just can’t deal with it anymore. No one cares, no one will ever care. No one is reading this, no one cares about you. You’re worthless, unloved. Just kill yourself, or runaway. Everyone would be better off without you.

            And there she goes again. I hate hearing bad things, it just stresses me out even more. Just give up if you can’t handle it. Give in. But I can’t. If I give in then I’m the weak one. I wouldn’t be the survivor, I would be defeated. I’m sticking this out, I will come out of this, and I will win. I won’t lose this battle, not this time. You’ll never win, you will always be the loser, why do you think no one wants you. You’re a loser, and a quitter, a screw up, you’re unlovable, everyone hates you. They just feel sorry for you, or you would have been gone a long time ago.

            She’s right, I can’t do this. Maybe I can’t, but I can’t give up now. I’ve worked way to hard for this and i won’t be defeated this time. Even if I do become defeated, at least I would have gone out with a fight left behind.

I hate feeling like this. Lacey told me I only feel like this because I let myself. I don’t want to feel like this, I would do just about anything to not feel like this. Not anything, but I would do a lot.

I just want to feel normal, but I know I never will. I want to feel like other teenagers do, Happy. I want to go a day with feeling bad about myself or worrying about everything. I want to be carefree and just be a kid. But I will never be able to do that, I know I won’t. But it’s nice to dream.

I have other dreams too. I want to be a teacher, and I want to write my own book, maybe a few. I want to be a librarian when I get old and don’t want to be a teacher anymore. I want to finish my junior and senior year in the time I should just be finishing my junior. I want to go to college and get my degrees. I want to help kids, I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be person that makes a difference but never gets heard. I want to watch and observe what people say. I don’t want people to know because of no one knows then I won’t be noticed. I want to go unnoticed, I’m fine with a quiet life. I’m fine with never making it big. It won’t bother me. Some people may want the fame and the fortune. But I’m fine with just a little. As long as I have what I need and a little of what I want, I’ll be okay. I don’t need fancy clothes or a fancy car. I just want to live a small life in a small town. I’ll be fine with that. That’s all I really need and that’s all I want.

I’m going to go now. I don’t want to keep you. Stay strong in whatever demons you’re fighting, you’ll get through it. I promise, don’t give up. It will all be okay.

A part of you

I can remember it,
Just like yesterday.
Sitting on the toilet.
Pacing back and forth
In front of the sink.
Waiting for the answer.
Hoping it was positive.
Just so I could have a connection with someone.
Have a part of me.
Have a part of you

I wrote this based on when I was waiting for a pregnancy test to give an answer. Positive or negative. It was negative. Even though I was in my early teen years and i was very immature, I made the mature decision to have sex.
After I did have sex, the boy never spoke to me again, and still hasn’t.
I hated myself, I disgusted myself. I thought I did something wrong, for him to not talk to me ever again.
There was and still is nothing wrong with me, it was him.
But I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to have his baby. I thought that if I had his baby, then he would have to stay with me. That was wrong of me, I shouldn’t want to make someone be with me when they clearly don’t want to.
I thought I was in love, but I didn’t know what love was and still don’t. I doubt I ever will. But that is my choice.
I didn’t need that baby, I don’t need one now. I couldn’t and still wouldn’t be able to handle being a mother. But some day I will have little red, curly headed munchkins running around. And I will be ready when the time comes.
Even though I regret my decision, it was a lesson I will always carry with me, and I have learned and I will continue to learn from it.

From The First To The Last Chapter – 5 Things To Keep In Mind