July 14, 2015
Dear being,
Can’t you do anything right? Why is no one happy with your choices, well that’s because you’re a screw up. Screw. Up. Did you hear me, I know you heard me, I’m in your head, I’m your own voice, you can’t escape me. Don’t bother running from me, I’m always going to be here, right in the back of your head. ALWAYS.
This is the voice in the back of my head. Always there to tell me what other people are thinking and when I’m being stupid, weird, screwing up, etc.. She hasn’t got a name yet, I’m still trying to find a good one, but nothing really lives up to how evil she is. She’s worse than the evil step-mother, Maleficent, and so on. I can’t really name any of the evil women from fairy tales, I’m not that kind of gal. But she is
sort of like Bellatrix Lestrange, or a women version of Darth Vador, maybe even Sarumom with lady parts. But even they aren’t as cruel as she is.
You probably want to know who you’re hearing from, I’m Averyana Katron. I’m 16 years old and my life is hell. No, not the burning pits of fire and eternal suffering, I don’t live in Arizona. But it’s close. I’ve been depressed since I was about 12, I used to feel like I had to cut myself for people to notice and give me the attention I needed, but I don’t do that anymore. Now if I need the extra attention and help, I just tell someone.
The cutting used to be painless, but now I imagine it would really hurt. I haven’t tried since I got clean. I’ve been clean since January 14, 2013.
Most people wouldn’t use the word “clean” like it was a drug. It was though. I got high off of hurting myself, once I started, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to stop, I just couldn’t. They finally got some medicine that worked and kept me stable and less moody and manic. It’s worked for the most part, but I don’t think it’s working anymore. I’m getting bad again, hopefully this will help. My therapist, Lacey, told me it would. I hope it does, and I hope you don’t think I’m crazy or anything, I’m just.. I don’t have the right chemical balance in my brain to make it function the way it is supposed to. I went untreated for the longest time, so I got pretty bad. I’m recovering though, still. It will take me a while, and I will have bumps in the road, but what road doesn’t?
Dazsha Mae 