For every person that thinks their family isn’t for them,

I’ll be the first to tell you that i thought i didn’t need my family. i hated them. i thought they were the worst people to walk the earth. I don’t know who your family is. or what they’ve done. But i know now that i needed mine before and still do more than anything in this world.

I was adopted at three and six months. I was put into foster care three years prior to that. While in foster care i had the best parents and family. I loved them, and i still do to this day. They have continued to be a part of my life and i am forever grateful that i have them.

As a former foster child, even though i don’t remember any of it, I know what abandonment feels like. Even though i have never met my biological parents, i know the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. I struggle with it everyday even though i have a family who loves me very much.

But i always thought i had a better family out there than my adopted family. I thought someone would love me more, care for me more. So i went looking. I didn’t put out an ad in craigslist or anything. But i have lived with a couple of my friends families.

Recently i have come back from living with one of my ex-friend’s family. I lived there for two years. I thought it was the place for me, i thought it was where i belonged. I was wrong, very wrong.

Things started to go wrong and i was constantly doing wrong, in their eyes. But all along, i was the one who was right.

It finally got so bad that they told me i had to leave. It was between foster care, a group home, or back with my adopted parents. I’m back and i couldn’t be happier. I know now this is where i am supposed to be.

I’ve done them wrong so many times and i am forever sorry that. But we have all agreed to forget the past and to move on from it.

I love my family so much, and i will never intentionally try to hurt them again. I don’t know where i would be right now if they hadn’t agreed to let me come back. I’d probably be in a group home suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. Or i would have already committed suicide.

If you’re reading this, and you think your family hates you and that you need a new one. Please take a step back. Please look at everything from a different perspective. If you are going through depression or other clinical diseases, please please please look at things differently. It saved my life, not in a metaphorical way, but literally. I would have been dead three or four years ago if it wasn’t for my family. If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you’re hurting yourself and your family has put you in treatment care centers or has told you to stop and has taken things away from you so you would stop, don’t think they hate you. They care so much about you. No mother or father wants anything bad to happen to any of their children. No brother or sister or cousin or aunt or uncle or grandmother or grandfather wants anything bad to happen to their family. They love you. They might just not know how to express it.

If you feel completely alone. If you feel like no one cares. If you feel like no one wants you or loves you. You’re wrong. I may not know you but i love you, with everything in me. If you need my help, contact me. Email me at Dazsha.megan@gmail.com

Please do not hesitate. I will listen. I will care. I will want you. I will love you. Always.

Dear Brandy, Roy, and Taylor.

I know this has to hurt you, but you’re not the only one hurting. I spent two years at your house, growing and trying to discover who i was and where i was supposed to be. I thought it was there. But i was wrong. I belonged back with my family and i’m glad i came back. I’m glad we had to grow apart and see things differently for me to be able where i am now. I was suffering, my soul and spirit was dying. i love you guys so much and i can’t just throw away the memories i had with you all. But they weren’t all good. I remember nights i cried myself to sleep because of how i couldn’t be the real me around you. I could have actually, but you would have told me i was wrong and that i was weird and that i had to change because that wasn’t how i was supposed to be. I will forver cherish the good times we had.

But it is time to say goodbye. It will hurt me more than anything to send you the letter. And i know it will hurt you. But you have brought me down so much in the last year that it is unforgivable. You don’t cause a person to go into depression(again) when you love them. You say you love me but yet you constantly make me feel like shit and i can’t handle that anymore. You can’t be in my life anymore. I know you don’t approve of the way i am. You have said it yourself about other people. You can say that you’ll love me no matter what and that you always want me to be myself, but i know you better than that. I was with you for almost every minute of everyday for two years, you can’t fool me anymore.

I am struggling with what to do with myself and my life because you always told me who to be, what to wear, what to like, and how to live for two years. I didn’t get a say. You might say i did, but i didn’t. You made me get rid of my best friends because of something they did, a simple thing. But yet you’re friends with people like them, worse. And you say you’re “helping” them. But if it wasn’t about helping them you would still have them around. You broke an amazing friendship i will never get back, and i despise you for that.

After you said i could choose what i wanted you made me do the opposite. That broke me.

“If you love someone, set them free. And if it’s meant to be, they’ll come back.”

I’m not coming back. This is goodbye forever. I love you all, and nanny and pappy and Granny Dot. You may never read this, but if you do you’ll know. Have a great life.

-Dazsha

Along the way

                                                                                July 14, 2015

Dear being,
    

     Can’t you do anything right? Why is no one happy with your choices, well that’s because you’re a screw up. Screw. Up. Did you hear me, I know you heard me, I’m in your head, I’m your own voice, you can’t escape me. Don’t bother running from me, I’m always going to be here, right in the back of your head. ALWAYS.
     This is the voice in the back of my head. Always there to tell me what other people are thinking and when I’m being stupid, weird, screwing up, etc.. She hasn’t got a name yet,  I’m still trying to find a good one, but nothing really lives up to how evil she is. She’s worse than the evil step-mother, Maleficent, and so on. I can’t really name any of the evil women from fairy tales, I’m not that kind of gal. But she is
sort of like Bellatrix Lestrange, or a women version of Darth Vador, maybe even Sarumom with lady parts. But even they aren’t as cruel as she is.
     You probably want to know who you’re hearing from, I’m Averyana Katron. I’m 16 years old and my life is hell. No, not the burning pits of fire and eternal suffering, I don’t live in Arizona. But it’s close. I’ve been depressed since I was about 12, I used to feel like I had to cut myself for people to notice and give me the attention I needed, but I don’t do that anymore. Now if I need the extra attention and help, I just tell someone.
     The cutting used to be painless, but now I imagine it would really hurt. I haven’t tried since I got clean. I’ve been clean since January 14, 2013.
     Most people wouldn’t use the word “clean” like it was a drug. It was though. I got high off of hurting myself, once I started, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to stop, I just couldn’t. They finally got some medicine that worked and kept me stable and less moody and manic. It’s worked for the most part, but I don’t think it’s working anymore. I’m getting bad again, hopefully this will help. My therapist, Lacey, told me it would. I hope it does, and I hope you don’t think I’m crazy or anything, I’m just.. I don’t have the right chemical balance in my brain to make it function the way it is supposed to. I went untreated for the longest time, so I got pretty bad. I’m recovering though, still. It will take me a while, and I will have bumps in the road, but what road doesn’t?